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Leonard Pierce, the proprietor of this site and Internet-based triflewallah, offers a wide range of products and services for purchase in addition to his books.  Prices are in U.S. dollars.  Yes, these are all real:  inquire via e-mail at leonard pierce at gmail dot com for specifics.

MENU PLANNING

PARTY MENU

I will suggest a six-course meal for a small to medium-sized social gathering and provide recipes and menus: $25.00

“SCARY CHEF” OPTION

I will actually travel to where you live, appear without warning in your home, and prepare the meal: ask your server

PLUNDER

THRIFT ORDINAIRE

A small box of randomly selected items from a thrift store near my home and shipped to you: $25.00 + postage

THRIFT DE-LUXE

A larger box of randomly selected items from a thrift store in another town and shipped to you: $50.00 + postage

“RAPS”

“FOOD” RAP

I will write a rap song of no less than sixteen bars making reference to the food item of your choice: $25.00

“DIS” RAP

I will write a rap song in which the person you name is insulted and belittled: $50.00

“ACTUAL” RAP

I will write an entire rap song with at least one reference of your choosing, perform and record it over an undoubtedly copyright-infringing beat, and send you an mp3: $100.00

WRITING SERVICE

MONTHLY PACKAGE

For each month, you will receive via e-mail an original piece of writing by me: $20.00/month

YEARLY SUBSCRIPTION

For a yearly fee, you will receive via e-mail an original piece of writing by me once per month: $200.00/year

LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP

You will receive an original piece of writing by me once per month as long as there is e-mail: $5,000.00

SPICE MIXES

SERVICE RÉGULIER

An entire bottle of delicious and not poisoned hand-crafted spice mix, selected at random from hundreds of possibilities: $25.00 + postage

SERVICE EXTRAORDINAIRE

As above, but with a certain inexpressable grandness: $50.00 + postage

THINGS NAMED

FICTIONAL CHARACTERS

Suitable moniker imagined for fanciful figures populating your YA novel, comic book, slash fiction, unreadable künstlerroman, etc.:  $20.00

Your business, invention, home-brew, unreadable künstlerroman, etc., will succeed or fail based on my gratuitous naming:  $25.00

I will give your pet, child, or horrible inhuman laboratory creation a name to last its whole life through: $50.00

TEXTUAL GASLIGHTING

DOMESTICALLY CULTIVATED MADNESS

Send me ordinary items from around your home that can be written upon: playing cards, utility bills, grocery coupons, news-papers, cartons containing household sundries, & c. I will inscribe them with unsettling and mysterious messages, quotes, doodles, slogans, threats, and other assorted bits of menace, and mail them back to you. Replace them and watch your housemates, loved ones and domestic servants go slowly insane. Also may be used for amusement purposes: $150.00 + postage

Send funds and the specifics of your order via PayPal to leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com. Inquiries welcome. All services real, not a joke. Or, rather, not solely a joke.